FACT: People love lists, consistency and alliteration.
With that in mind, I bring you the second edition of “Top 5 Friday”; a (hopefully) weekly list of dork topics, random thoughts and balderdash.
Today’s list spotlights Dork Super Foods. I’m talking about the embarrassingly stereotypical foods that have kept millions of dorks nourished (or likely malnourished) throughout the ages.
(Before I start, I need to set a few rules; this list will only focus on “meals” that a dork might have in his, or her, home. That means I’ll be excluding snacks, drinks and restaurant foods; the list would simply be too long, otherwise.)
Popular dork foods tend to feature similar attributes that dorks find desirable: low cost, short preparation time, long shelf-life and the ability to survive nuclear fallout. So you can keep your salmon and your quinoa, hippie; because these are the Top 5 Dork Super Foods…
#5 – Mac & Cheese
This timeless classic takes all of the dork attributes that I listed above, and adds a healthy dose of childhood nostalgia. Whether I’m in the mood for the standard Kraft brand, or want to indulge myself with a box of Velveeta Shells & Cheese, mac & cheese never fails to put a large, anticipatory grin on my face. Pro Tip: Mix in a couple slices of processed, American cheese to maximize the creamy, cheesy goodness. You’re welcome!
#4 – Hot Pockets
If you haven’t seen it, watch Jim Gaffigan’s stand-up comedy routine about Hot Pockets. He hits on the cornucopia of Hot Pocket options available: Veggie Pockets, Lean Pockets, Breakfast Pockets, Chicken Bacon Cheddar Cheese Melt with Crispy Buttery Seasoned Crust (yes, that’s real). In fact, two things amazed me while delving into Hot Pocket lore on hotpockets.com. First, there are a LOT of Hot Pocket flavours (I think we can all agree that Hot Pockets have earned the fancy spelling of ‘flavor’). Seriously, check them out; they even have a search function that will make suggestions based on your preferred Hot Pocket taste criteria. Second, there’s a hotpockets.com. Who knew?
#3 – Ramen Noodles
We all knew Ramen Noodles would make the list; the only question was where. For the purist of dorks, consuming food is simply a waste of time and money that could be better spent on gaming; so a 20-cent meal, with a virtually endless shelf life, that can be prepared in just a few minutes, is the most efficient way to achieve the bare minimum of sustenance whilst allowing yourself to get back in the game as quickly as possible. Plus, if you want to get fancy, you can always pour some ketchup on top and pretend it’s spaghetti (I assume that’s how Queen Elizabeth eats her Ramen Noodles). I won’t claim which flavor is the best because I don’t want blood on my hands; besides, it’s obviously chicken you heathens!
#2 – Frozen Pizza
Timeless. Versatile. Infinitely customizable. Do you have a Rancor-sized appetite that can only be sated by an entire 360 degrees of cheesy deliciousness? Pizza is here for you! Are you in the midst of a D&D campaign and need to make a fast meal for six friends? You’ll gain a ‘Charisma Bonus +1’ as you slay your party’s deadliest foe yet… hunger. Do you want deep dish, thin crust, hand-tossed, heavy sauce, light sauce, white sauce, no sauce, meat-lovers, veggie-lovers, 3 cheese, 4 cheese or goat cheese? Pizza’s got your back in ANY situation! I won’t claim which brand, and toppings, are the best because I don’t want blood on my hands; besides it’s obviously Freschetta Brick Oven Pepperoni you heathens!
“Spam?” you ask. Yes, Spam. Every list needs a little controversy, and I expect the media pundits will be debating this addition for weeks; but before you discredit my BS Degree in Dorkfoodology, have you even eaten Spam before? Be honest; because I’m willing to bet that most of you have never even tried it. Spam tastes a lot like bacon; the only problem is that it looks disgusting. I get it; just look at this pinkish brick of questionable meat…
But where many people see a compressed loaf of grade-F meat, covered in gelatinous ooze; the truly enlightened will see the hidden potential. Just as it took Michelangelo to turn a block of stone into the statue of David…
…so too will it require a true artist to unleash the limitless potential of Spam:
I’m going to go ahead and say that last one is a Spam sculpture of Rockbiter from The Neverending Story; and it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. You can’t do that with a frozen pizza.
Finally, last but certainly not least, Spam helped win World War II. You can read about the history of Spam, during WWII, here. Spam was good enough for the soldiers who stormed the beaches on D-Day; and it was good enough for Nikita Khrushchev who said, “Without Spam we wouldn’t have been able to feed our army”; so you can be damned sure it’s good enough for you as your grind out XP for your level-49 Elvish Warlock.
Well, there you have it. I hope you enjoy eating these foods as much as I enjoyed writing about them. Feel free to recommend some of your favorite dork foods.
Until Next Time,