2020 has been a heartbreaking year for people around the world. Until this month, I had navigated the year mostly unscathed. No one close to me had caught COVID-19. My job moved remote but was mostly unaffected by the pandemic. It is difficult to appreciate how good things are until tragedy hits.
For a lucky group of my closest friends, I check in from time to time to see how things are going. I’m partial to sending random gifs out of the blue. This usually prompts a couple texts to catch up. When I reached out to one of my closest friends from college last week, he texted “wtf” and called me. It’s very rare that we talk on the phone, so I didn’t answer.
He called back, and I realized something must be really wrong. I still didn’t answer and he texted, “dude, answer your phone.” I sent the only logical response, “you can’t tell me what to do.”
A moment later I called him back. He told me he was in Rochester. He was at the Mayo Clinic and he had cancer. He had just found out that it had spread to his liver and lungs. And that day, of all days, was the one that I sent him a random gif of a blonde girl jumping up and down at a rave. I’ve always had impeccable timing.
My friend asked not to be identified because he has not made an announcement about his prognosis publicly. He is in his late thirties and is happily married with three kids. He is a generally healthy person. We haven’t been close for a while, but I still consider him an important person in my life. It’s a crushing blow to learn that someone you care for is sick. In the last week I have struggled to sleep and work. There have been a lot of tears.
I lost my mother nine years ago. She had been sick for years before passing and we knew the end was rapidly approaching in the summer of 2011. I was fortunate to say goodbye on my own terms. Through that experience, I learned that we are never truly ready to say goodbye to someone we love. You may think you are mentally prepared, but it’s never easy to say goodbye.
As awful as the news was I am thankful I reached out. We are now speaking on a nearly daily basis. I was able to make a minor gesture for his family and that felt really good. One of the most remarkable and admirable traits of my friend is his ability to face the upcoming challenges with humor. He shared this anecdote from his biopsy:
“It’s funny, when I was on the table they prepared me for the liver biopsy, I thought of you. They use an ultrasound to see where the lesions are and to mark up my chest with a sharpie so they know where to go in. I saw the doc grab the sharpie and just started laughing. I told him he’s making me feel like a drunk 21-year-old again and that he has to play by the rules of the apartment – nothing above the neck. He was also kind enough not to draw any dicks or write ‘junkie’ across my chest. I don’t think he would’ve had fun partying with us.”
One of the hardest parts for me to process from my friend’s situation is that he said he doesn’t feel sick. He went in to get some symptoms checked out and boom, he has cancer. What if he hadn’t had those symptoms – would he have not woken up one day?
My heart hurts. I love my friend. I’m prepared to fight with him. I just feel so helpless. It makes me ponder my own mortality. I can’t imagine getting sick and potentially leaving Phoenix on her own. I wish there was something more I could do.
It’s been such a strange year. As I cope with the tragedy of my friend’s illness, I’m buoyed by one of the greatest moments of joy in my life. My wife and I are going to have another baby. I am overjoyed with the prospect of making my little girl a big sister. As my family grows, I hope I can teach my children to face life with the strength and humor of my friend.
I love you dude. This is not goodbye.
P.S. Upon review, my friend added that the only feedback he has on this article is that he would like everyone to know how big his penis is. I haven’t seen it firsthand, so let’s just assume it’s a fair size.
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Thank you for reading my column this month. Hug your loved ones.
I just read this article and can imagine the blow it was to you. Dealing with death (or the prospect of death) is a huge hurdle. Sometimes it feels as if we won’t ever get past it. But you are strong and have great solace around you. My heart goes out to you, your family and your friend and his family. I hope everything turns out well. I know death is not the end. It is a transference to another state of being. Every time I look up to see the stars at night, I know my own father is there looking back at me and bringing me luck, good fortune, and life lessons.